Changing Seasons

I feel it is a little ironic that I am writing about changing seasons (of my life) when we literally have had the same season since September. Warm fall, warm winter, and here we are- almost spring time. But unlike the weather, there are some changes on the horizon for us.

There are some things at this point I can talk about and some things we are still figuring out as a family about the upcoming changes in our lives. The most important, and the one that has really challenged my anxiety this year, is the thought of Caroline starting school next year.

I know this is a big change for many families and trust me, I have had all the feels about it. How does one actually send their child to school- for the majority of the day- without us parents?? That just makes me teary eyed thinking about it! Now we have been fortunate enough to have family, Nanniema as we call her, keep Caroline during the day so Jeremy and I can both continue with our careers. It has been such a piece-of-mind situation that I have cherished so very much.

But next year, changes await. We have had school mentioned to us several times by therapists and doctors and decided to explore the idea. I mean as much anxiety as it brings to me, I had to set that aside and think what’s best for Caroline. Do I want her to be around other kids, other adults, that can help with therapies and learning, and just being able to experience a different environment? Absolutely. 100%.  It’s what any parent would want for their child.

Except, I feel I carry this decision a little harder than most parents. While I want her to have all of these things- new kids, new adults, new atmosphere- I know that school will be very different for her. Not only do we have to consider her going to school, but we have to be able to fully trust those that will be with her during the day to meet her everyday needs (i.e-gtube feeds, cathing her, positioning her, changing her, look fors when she is sick, etc). I think these things worry me the most because it is going to take a lot of trust, on my part, to know that other people, besides family members, can do this. I have heard great things about the options we have for schools for her and have been able to tour them both. It does help ease my mind to see them but I still have that fear of letting go.

I mean, it’s taken me over 4 years to learn about her and I am still learning every day. And then I just have to trust someone else to do it- oh it makes me nervous. BUT, I know it will work out- things always have a way of working out exactly how they are supposed to.

I think this is what gives me so much fear. The older Caroline gets, the more different I know she is to other people. This may sound like a selfish statement but it’s true. When she was little, there weren’t many things that made her so different from other little ones. Now that she is growing, the gaps between her and others her age grow. My mama heart has accepted this, for the most part, but living it out day to day has it challenges.

I remember the first time, last November, at a doctors appointment- a kid ran out in the waiting room, looked at Caroline in her stroller, and just yelled out to us “What’s wrong with her?”  oh my mama bear wanted to come out in a not nice way- my response and my glare at him- “NOTHING is wrong with her”. I felt the mom guilt for that response and for not advocating in the way I should have. But gosh was that a heart wrenching, unexpected moment for me! I was not prepared, in any way, to answer it.  

It really made me rethink things. I knew Caroline was different. It’s obvious- and of course as her parents, we know all the differences she has from kiddos her age, but to have some stranger, some innocent little boy bring that to my attention? It really opened my eyes. I took that as a learning experience and knew I needed to prepare myself. That won’t be the last time that we get asked that question and I need to answer in a way that explains, but advocates, for Caroline. I want people to be curious of her so I can share all the special things about her- but I know it’s something I need to figure out how to do.

So, new changes are on the horizon for us. For Caroline starting school, for me figuring out how to respond to people’s curiosity, how to accept the differences, and how to celebrate all the things Caroline can and will do! We are new to this whole experience- she is our first child- and she has been a very special one. We know school will be a big change but excited all it will offer our Caroline.